I like dreamin'

"I like dreamin', cause dreamin' can make you mine. I like dreamin', holding you close and feelin fine..." a tune that was
dubbed 'sappiest love song from the '70's' and it's been stuck in my mind and hummed endlessly for two days now. But it's not mired in my gray matter because of the unrequited love lyrics (I'm fine and dandy in that department, thank you) but rather because I've been dreaming.

Funny thing though, it's been a long time since I've had the energy or time or hope to dream much at all. Oh sure, I have the all-too common "can't find the right door and missing my flight/meeting/graduation/party" bad dream, and I have the maxxed out subconscious "people I've not thought about since grade school" dream, both of which happen during nights that seem shorter with every passing year.

I don't mean THAT kind of dreaming...I mean having a wide awake "that's what I want to do with me life!" dream. For years I've bemoaned the fact that I hadn't gone to law school as my "lost" dream. Secretly though, the law school dream may have had more to do with working for myself as opposed to my chosen career. Don't get me wrong, I adore working in television and have loved it from the very first moment, but my choice has also meant working for an ever-changing cast of companies and people and having little control.

God knows, I do relish control! And perhaps that's why I haven't dreamt more. Dreaming seemed both frivolous and negative. Dreaming was an impractical waste of time because it devolved into "I wish I'd made this career choice" and "I wish we'd met when we were younger" or "I wish we had enough money to...". But something has changed. Maybe I did, maybe the dreams did, although I suspect we both did.

This newfound dreaming has something to do with maturity and confidence, something to do with supportive friends and a loving family and even something to do with this blogging. It was honestly a "V-8 moment" that first occurred when I was Facebooking a friend about blogging. And then 3 days ago I was talking to an old friend and respected colleague who in response to my faint hope said, "Well, you know you could really do that".

It's been my experience that middle aged women with careers and families struggle with the same burden that most men do. We support all, most or part of our family financially. We seem genetically predisposed to shoulder most of the emotional and physical load of home, hearth and children. In my case, most of this was the result of choices I've made and don't regret. There just wasn't any time for dreaming, because there was so much "doing"!

I don't mean to be coy about my new dream, and it's not particularly wild - my dream is to write. My dream is to write for a living. The irony of writing about a dream about writing is not lost on me. Rather like holding a mirror up to a mirror so that the reflections seem to go on infinitely. My point though is not the "what" of my dream, but that the act of dreaming now strikes me as hopeful and optimistic and even possible.

I guess I've slowed down a little, at least I don't constantly run at such an emotionally high pitch. I still work 65 hours a week, and I spend the rest of the time trying to be a loving wife & mom by cooking, cleaning, organizing, shopping and generally worrying. But I don't feel so frantic these days and it's freed my mind up just enough to think about what would make me really happy. In other words, it feels good to dream and it feels even better to have a dream!

In my day job, we would say "stay tuned" but wouldn't it be great if I could say "continued on page 47" too!?!